Monday, February 11, 2008

What happened on Monday February 11th?

blue iris

I haven't made a personal post in a fair while (I probably have lost most of my regular friends), mainly because I'm not willing to admit things to myself. Kind of a bold statement don't ya think!

What's going on is I have been suffering from depression for about the last 10 months or so. I hadn't done anything about it until recently because I felt I was being a wimp and just causing myself to be down. Due to how I've been handling the depression I've been flying off the handle quickly, yelling a lot, this has made me a real asshole to my family and just a jerk to live with. I finally felt I had to do something about it when I was getting suicidal thoughts. Not that I would ever do it, just that I would think how much better Wife and kids would be without me.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, he has put me on a antidepressant called Cipralex. I find the affects to be interesting. My emotions/reactions aren't as explosive .. I'm thinking before I get upset or worked up and I can make a more intelligent decision about what my reaction needs to be. For the most part it's kind of nice. There are down side's to this, I get a slight nausea feeling an hour or two after I take the pill. Late in the day around two or three pm I get incredibly tired and this may sound weird but I have to remind myself which part of my progressive lenses that I need to look out of. I've also come to realize that I handle my emotions differently then people around me.

We have been talking to a family councillor the last few months, on how to handle raising a teenager with ADD-I. Part of is that I have come to realise that I am also ADD (I have to get myself tested, but like I said other things have to come first -- BILLS!!!), and I don't know how to explain this but I get a rush from extreme emotions. These pills make me feel mostly dead emotionally (though it has been explained to me that I am feeling and thinking about things the way everyone else does - damn you guys are emotionally dead), things that would normally set me off in a emotional high I am now thinking about and realise that I don't have to overreact, where before I would have gone through the roof. I was or better put I do enjoy the extreme rush of the emotional reaction. Though I now realize that this is not good for me, my family and my married life.

I have had a couple of anxiety attacks since starting to take the pills, mainly while I'm out shopping with Wife, I think these originate when I'm conflicting between what she wants me to do and the fact that it goes against what I want. My only problem is that I get testy and snappy when this happens and I get upset at her. I don't want to do this, so I have to work on this. I know that I will need to talk to someone about this, I have plans to it's just right now I have to many other things that I need to get done.

Things are going well for Eldest, he is on a new ADD med and is succeeding at school. In fact today we have been informed that in two of the classes that he has been struggling in, he was able to get a 85% in the last two tests as opposed to 45% to 55% that he was getting. He is happy and says he likes the difference between (as he says) the focused world and the unfocused world.

Middle is being a thirteen year old, the attitude is incredible, but for the most part she is a wonderful human being who puts up with being a middle child trapped between a brother who is getting a ton of attention and a little sister who demands attention. Life can be unfair, but we are trying to be fair with her. She hates being a goalie, but she plays so well, its a shame but I think this year will be her last year in hockey.

Youngest is youngest, demanding attention, seeking confirmation that she is the centre of attention. She wants to be a famous singer when she grows up, but just try to get her to practice.

Well that is it from me, I've come clean with myself and now back to music and pictures of plants.

Enjoy Muddy Waters,download
Mannish Boy.mp3